I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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