There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
