she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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