just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
ttyl tear gas
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
