garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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