Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
