I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
