I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Randomize
