now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
