did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
