you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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