I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
