my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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