areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
