even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
