so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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