My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
There r osticjed everywhere
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
