I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
