sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
