Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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