If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
