either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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