Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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