Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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