So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
this just has baby written all over it
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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