in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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