batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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