Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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