Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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