Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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