oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
