Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
