I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
