So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
