Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
