Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
only you would photoshop your dick
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
