you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
