well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
