Me. At least after what I've been through.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
