One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize