I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize