Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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