ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
