I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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