I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
