it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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