I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
