Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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