Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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