You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
