1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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