how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
