Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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