Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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