If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
