get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
