She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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