Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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