I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
