the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
