My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
