I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
