Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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